milky.zoob.ablortion

A New Game

Yo What’s up Broseph Gorden-Levitts…

“Yo, You find that “brick” today?”
“What did you say to me, my friend?”
“I said this Dick motherfucker do you have it?” *grabs package, walks out with boosted 40oz ready to hit up Paul’s house for some M.B.A.(0).

So tonight, like so many nights before this one, I was setting up my bong-factory for a little disposable, Zooba von Huffington Action when I realized that the act itself was so routine that it became involuntary. Every night I would do the same things in the same manner and set in motion are events that will lead me to transform into Mr. Jake Busey Jerrytown with Swamp-Mouth, which is awesome, therefore, I wish to explain upon thee, rules of a little game I like to call…

Gallon +1(tm)


1.  Start with a 20oz bottle of Gatorade(tm)

“Gatorade (tm)” Pro Tip: Try to purchase either the lemmonlime or orange flavors as they increase milkyness in the “mazooba oblongatti” of your binger.  Also acceptable is the Light Blue Flavor…I am not aware of the actual flavor of this product but it tastes like the natural water from a melted glacier that a radioactive hobo from a marvel comic might have piss’d and/or squatted on for a while .

2.  Grab your “Homemade Heating Rod”(1)  and take to lit stove (gas) for 30-60 seconds.  Burn a hole, approx. 3/8” in diameter, in the base of the bottle and a hole,   1/4” in diameter, in the cap.

“Homemade Heating Rod to Bottle” Pro Tip:  Avoid contact to skin with the “Homemade Heating Rod”.  May cause “herpes like” burn marks and slight gonorrhea.

3.  Scour residence for Aluminum Foil, cut out a square approx 3” x 3”, fold down into a rectangle of approx 1”x 3/4” and mold into a cone shape.  The cone shape shall be approx 3/32” at the narrow tip and 1/4” at the open tip (this will be your “binger bowl”).

“Cone of Fyahh!” Pro Tip: After completion, you may pinch the narrow tip of the cone in order to keep your zoobz within the cone with more security.  Nobody likes scooby snacks and, well, Scooby Doo Doo who can Doo Doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter.

4.  Assemble Bing Crosby by placing “Cone of Fyahh!” (narrow tip first) into the 1/4” diameter hole in the cap until snug.  Make sure that most bung-holes outside of that of the bowl and carb are to a minimal as this will have an effect on the milkiness of your ripp, and thus, the very scoring of the game(2).

“The Voltronization of Bing Crosby” Pro Tip: Smoke weed everyday

5.  Grab your choice nuggets or dank ass sheesh and proceed to pack a bowl (it shouldn’t take very much).  Now set Bing Crosby aside and find yourself a gallon container.  Fill with water and set aside.  Remove Bing’s cap, cover hole at the base with the middle finger on your weak hand(3) and proceed to fill up the bottle with water until full.  Screw in cap, grab all your shit, try not to let any water leakage onto your new “vinyl floors”(4), and go outside.

“Going Green” Pro Tip: Promote sustainability through weed conservation with Gallon +1 (tm).  Also, use your water run off to water the plants in your environment.  That thick, murky bong water, I hear, is like sweet brown liquors to these shrubs. It gets the plants drunk and they do fucked up shit. Going green never got so fucking green in your life before.

6.  Once out front, shadily light the bowl while releasing your middle finger from the bottom bung-hole, allowing the water to flow out.  This will simultaneously pull the hit into the chamber through gravity while also acting as a hyperbolic chamber creating a milky white rip within itself(5).  Once bottle is empty, place finger back on the bung-hole, which had now voltron’d into your carb, remove cap, and let Bing Crosby take you into a place that gives you an instant, fucking boner(6).  This hit is your “+1”.

“Shady Neighbor” Pro Tip: Make sure to pick a spot in your front yard with your garage open and the lights on so that every one of your neighbors may witness your game of “Gallon +1”(tm).  Feel free to invite people to join in and play, watch out for police, and don’t wake your mom up.  Watch out for pedophiles.

7.  Remove cap and repeat with the water in your gallon container until the entire gallon in finished, which is approx 6 Mark McGwire Dinger Rips(7).

“Stain of Shame” Pro Tip:  Failure to achieve an empty gallon container in any manner other than the aforementioned description will result in you having to pour whatever is left in your container over your head.  YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS! Try and make sure you finish the game.  Also, you may start a new game; however, only after you have finished your old game.  Try and beat your previous score!  You can achieve this by packing bigger bowls. Try that. That ought to do the trick. Sew stoned.





(0)  Microwave Burrito Action, because every one knows Paul always got those microwave burritos and like 8 boxes of whip-its.
(1)  Not associated with a penis, but preferably a metal rod or skewer.  Again, not associated with a penis. Ok Maybe?
(2)  This game has no actual score.  Try to beat your best score by getting “higher” than you did in previous games. Build your tolerance and receive lung cancer.
(3)  The hand that you do not use to jerk off, stupid.
(4)  Vinyl Records. You may scratch this floor. Did, did you see what I did there?
(5)  Do not allow Bing Crosby to become “self-aware”.
(6)  Boner size may vary from “Baby Boner” to “Boner Stabone”, which is the biggest boner of them all.
(7)  What are you doing batting lefty? You gotta bat righty to hit dingers.